Infinite Monkeys

Grammar as a Moral Test

A read a letter today that disturbed me. I don't have the letter handy. But it left such an impression that I believe I can paraphrase accurately. It went something like this:

Dear [Ignoramuses]:

I subscribe to the [corporate-owned publication of some regional renown] and I am bothered by some of the titles I find within its pages. Specifically, I saw recently the word "dog" employed as a verb. As any college-educated person knows, "dog" is a noun and a noun only. Often I see "dog" employed as a verb and I am distressed. Clearly, when the [corporate-owned publication of some regional renown] uses a word such as "dog" as a verb, this is some indication that society, as we know it, is doomed. Doomed I say! First, we corrupt the language. Then we corrupt our souls! Next thing you know, we are committing human sacrifices in our town squares! Didn't [employees of said corporate-owned publication of some regional renown] go to college?

Sincerely,

[Silly subscriber of corporate-owned publication of some regional renown]

Now, I read that letter, and it filled me with... well, with a kind of rage. I was angered. Why? Because I'm a professional. I work hard at what I do. I take a certain amount of pride in my work. And I have not one, not two, but three dictionaries at my disposal, not counting free online resources. And you know what I found after about two minutes of searching through multiple sources? I know, it's probably not a shock, but I confirmed that "dog" is, in fact, a verb. And you know what else I learned? English-speaking people have used "dog" as a verb for at least 200 years... and perhaps longer than that. So you know what I say to the picky grammar ignoramuses?

Nothing. I have nothing to say. Because I wouldn't want to tax their reptilian brains with words they don't know and perhaps inadvertently spur the collapse of Western Civilization.

Mangy mutts.

Posted by H.L. Monkey at August 26, 2006 08:29 PM