Infinite Monkeys

Well, I don't have any children, but one of my cats gave me a nice furball. He'd clearly been working on it for a long time, and his hard work was deeply touching. Plus, in the best Spinal Tap tradition, it consisted mostly of the other cat's fur.

I got some extremely nice shirts, four to be precise, as well as a left-wing DVD film about the evils of arms trafficking, and a bottle of Remy VSOP. So, all told, a fine Father's Day.

If you don't wear that shirt at the Monkey Summit in July, I will beat you with a bottle.

If you decide to fight back, I will pepperspray you first, then beat you with a bottle.

Your choice, tough guy.

I got two home-made cards, and a new "customized notepad" featuring an adorable picture of my daughters in their new silk dresses from China. I also got a box full of stemless wine glasses.

My take this year consisted of some much needed summerwear, including a pair of identical, loud Hawaiian shirts -- one for The Dude and one for Pops. I also scored some cute, professionally-taken pictures; a laminated paper tie with some or other Jesus-y quote on the back (thanks, Methodist preschool!); a printed and hand-colored story entitled "The Perfect Father's Day"; a nice looking bowl-like thing to keep my wallet and keys in; some solar lamps for the yard; and one of those Hallmark cards that plays "U Can't Touch Dis" when you open it. As a capper, I got a little o' what done made me a Daddy in the first place.

I'm the luckiest goddamned man alive.

Hey! A couple of years ago my oldest gave ME a nice looking bowl-like thing to keep my wallet and keys in! Having just watched "Eeyore's Big Day," she referred to it as, "a useful pot to put things in." My wallet and keys are sitting in it at this very moment.

Sturdy, paper-mache goodness.

A steak dinner. Beef the gift that says I love you.