Infinite Monkeys
"...a sparkly blog..." - James Lileks"Read them only with extreme caution."- Hugh Hewitt
Infinite MonkeysEd, at Captains Quarters blog is trying to encourage contributions to the relief efforts following the unspeakable horror that struck the Indian Ocean this week. He is raising money via World Vision, and has designated January 12, 2005, as "World Relief Day."
Ed explains it best:
CQ readers, fellow bloggers, and friends,We have before us one of the world's greatest natural disasters in terms of lost human life. Over 120,000 now (12/31) have perished, and unless we get immediate and effective assistance to the survivors, many more will die.
Our friends around the world have given of themselves through their governments, and the US has also risen to the challenge. Our government has pledged $35 million to date, as well as ordering thousands of our military personnel and two US Navy task forces to the Indian Ocean region to provide assistance.
However, many people question the ability of capitalist-based economies to show any generosity. Americans, and other Western people, have been judged by the amount of government assistance provided. We've been called "stingy". It's up to us to show that when people control their own resources, we can put it to the best use through our own decisions -- and in fact, we can put it to better, more direct, and more effective use.
At Captain's Quarters, we're declaring January 12th World Relief Day. I ask that CQ readers donate their take-home pay for January 12th to the tsunami relief effort. Obviously, we cannot hope to match the funds raised by governments -- but we can show what a handful of determined private individuals can do to help. If you can't afford to donate all of your take-home pay for that day, please donate what you can.
Let's show our friends in Asia that they can count on us to lift them out of danger and destruction, and show the power of the individual to change the world for the better. On behalf of the First Mate and I, I offer you our deepest gratitude.
You can go direct to the Captains Quarters donation page at World Vision. Of course, there's no need to wait until the 12th, and any amount will help.
I'm pretty much convinced that there is no way the U.S. can succeed in building an Iraqi army. It all comes down to middle management. I've posted before about the importance of captains, lieutenants, and NCOs in the military. They are the backbone of the ogranization. It takes years to train good ones. And that very fact is the reason the idea of Iraqifying the battle against the insurgents is hamstrung. Enlisted men are fungible. Well qualified captains, lieutenants, and NCOs are not.
OK, I lied when I said I'd have a review of Hugh Hewitt's Blog : Understanding the Information Reformation That's Changing Your World.
I can't really review this book. I can only bury it in praise. I didn't expect that--you know we hear at Infinite Monkeys love to make fun of geeky Hugh (and intend to continue doing so). His previous books have been very, very good. But this is one historians will be reading decades from now, because he is way ahead of the curve here.
I think many Americans believe blogs are a hot trend, but a temporary one, like CB radios. And, yes, for many bloggers the thrill of BlogSpot wears off quicker than you can say "Breaker One-Nine, good buddy." However, Hugh understands that there is something much deeper and more powerful going on here, and rightly compares it to Gutenberg and the Reformation. The way we communicate is fundamentally being changed, and while the New York Times, CBS and the political process are closest to the epicenter, the shaking will soon be felt in pop culture, religion, the arts and other unexpected corners of the world.
Hugh's book is a great survey: it moves briskly for those familiar with blogs, but wisely Hugh puts some of the meat in the middle where a casual reader looking in an airport bookstore will be drawn in (and this is the perfect book for reading on a flight, although the reader will be itching to get back to his computer to check out some of the blogs, especially the ones listed at the bottom of page XII). He clearly lays out the history of blogs, then goes further into the longer term implications. It really is essential reading.
One of the many things I like about Hugh is his ability to tap into what is hot, current, and hip today. He speaks to the youth of America.
Just today, in commenting on the dust-up between Time Magazine's Blog of the Year Powerline and Minneapolis Star Tribune Columnist Nick Coleman, Hugh Hewitt expresses concern for the well-being of another Strib Columnist, the esteemed and talented James Lileks, who has to work with Little Nicky, saying
"Now, not only is Lileks a blogger, he's a member of the Northern Alliance. He consorts with conservative talk show hosts. And he can write. People read him. But he also works out of the Strib. Imagine what the Jets would have thought of their member who hung out all night with the Sharks, and clearly enjoyed their company more and thought the Sharks smarter and funnier. James is that Jet."
The Sharks and the Jets? Westside Story?
Hugh, it's almost 2005. Time to update the cultural references. Maybe Godspell? Hair?
Yep, that's our Hugh. Too cool for school.
I got a problem. So for the past few months I've been freelancing at a daily newspaper. I've enjoyed it a lot. The people are great yada yada yada....
The boss told me today that he'd like to put me on staff. Now you're probably saying, "What's the problem? Take the job."
Well the thing is, I'm not sure if I want to. Part of me feels I can do better as a freelancer. And I like the idea of feeling like I'm business for myself rather than being an employee.
I'll admit, not having all of the benefits and the safety net stuff of a vested employee might seem scary. And I guess I'd be giving up fools money by not being official and particip But the moment I become an employee, I lose something. Namely money.
Most of the benefits that the company I can provide for myself. Health insurance, disability insurance, and life insurance.
Also, operating as a business, I can lower my tax bill significantly. Writing off the rent for my work space, health insurance, business expenses all of that stuff.
Anyhow, I'd be curious to hear what any of you think.
I’m finally getting around to watching Fahrenheit 911. A few impressions:
-Moore’s voice sounds like he’s talking to children. It’s remarkable how annoying it is—I think it was a terrible mistake, and not one that he made in “Bowling for Columbine.”
-The footage of the President and various administration officials prepping before TV appearance is only effective if you really, really hate those guys.
-It’s been said before, but Moore has a blank screen while sounds of hitting the towers occur. He only focuses on the fear. The whole movie, actually, is the sort of fear mongering that much of “Bowling” criticizes. And it does have the opposite effect of what he wants…
-Man, this movie is boring. Moore’s previous movies were much, much better.
-The scene where he shows a happy pre-war Iraq, with kids flying kites, people laughing—then the devastation that the United States (without any allies whatsoever) wrought…well, that would have been laughably ridiculous if it weren’t so infuriating. Moore knows what he is doing here—unlike many of the errors in the movie that could be a matter of opinion, this is a case of Moore knowing he’s lying, but doing it anyway because the end justifies the means.
The only consolation in seeing this terrible, terrible movie is that it’s all over, and the good guys won. Partly because of this movie, I firmly believe.
P.S. It's worth reading again Hitchens critique from the left of Moore.
Don't miss Claudia Rosett's outstanding column on the United Nations.
Rosett should get a Pulitzer soon--she's out there doing actual investigation, and showing how the mainstream media could keep a place for itself (or, alternatively, showing the kind of work more bloggers could be doing).
[INT.-- War room, Infinite Monkeys secret HQs.]
MONKEY DAVID: I am pleased you all could attend this emergency meeting of The Infinate Monkeys. As you all know, Dr. Monkeystein and his cat Johnny have been out of the country working on a project shrouded in secrecy. This morning the doctor returned with some shocking information!
MONKEY JAMESPH.: What kind of shocking information? Does he know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried?
MONKEY DAVID: No... no...
ROBBL. MONKEY: Did he find the lost city of Atlantis?!
MONKEY DAVID: No.
MONKEY BRAD: Did he finally locate the Ark of the Covenant?
MONKEY DAVID: No!!!
EX-MONKEY BEN: The Holy Grail!!! He did it! That glorious bastard finally found the Holy Grail!!!
MONKEY DAVID: No!!!!!!!!
THE ELDER: Well what the hell did he find?!!
MONKEY DAVID: How the hell did you get in here? You're not a Monkey!
THE ELDER: Uh... The Chemist invited me.
MONKEY DAVID: And who are you?
THE CHEMIST: Uh, I'm Dr. Monkeystein's lab assistant.
MONKEY DAVID: Oh yeah... that's right I forgot. Gentlemen, all of your questions will answered in due time, by Dr. Monkeystein himself!!
[The room explodes with applause as Dr. Monkeystein enters the war room with his cat Johnny. The cat immediately goes over to a control panel and presses a button, and a flat screen video monitor rises from the floor. ]
Dr. MONKEYSTEIN: (acknowledging applause) Thank you.... thank you.... Gentlemen, the surreal video you are about to see is based on actual events spanning seventeen years. Its primary purpose is to draw attention to how people have changed since the Cold War Era as a result of backroom deals between world leaders and alien invaders to stage the Cold War as a part of a master plan to turn humanity against itself with psychological warfare based on a cunning doctrine that divides humanity between the left-brained and the right-brained inhabitants of the planet Earth.
ROBBL. MONKEY:Left brains against right brains?!!! That doesn't make any sense?!!!
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: It will in time my friend, please. The video is built on a convenient overlap between my intership with the San Francisco Dept. of Public Health in the summer of 1993 and the fact that the second version of the movie, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", starring Leonard Nimoy and Donald Sutherland, was filmed in the building where I worked.
There were many strange happenings in the health department during my time assisting an insane mesdical examiner performing secret experiments on human guina pigs of a nature that gave the victims completely new identities.
While there, he told me about a theory of his, that human kind are, themselves, aliens who have rejected their legacy only to be haunted by memories of what they are.
THE ELDER: Aliens?! Are you drunk Monkeystein?!!!
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: No... I am very sober my friend. Please if I may continue.... As you will soon see, the reclamation of one's alien heritage is the best defense against the evil aspects of alien forces that seek to claim dominion over you by invading your brain and taking over your body.
Thousands of years ago, an invisible invader arrived on Earth and began to implant itself in human brains. As it spread its influence around the world, thinkers began to speculate as to its origins. Many of them believed that it was alien to homo sapiens, for it seemed to have an intelligence far greater than homo sapiens.
It was the sheer fact that it seemed to be something that inhabited people from outside their bodies that they could not control from within their bodies that compelled a sense of urgency to find out what it was...whether it was an alien life form that humanity should regard as a friend or as a foe.
In fact, so successful were they in gaining favors for their initial flattery, that they learned that favors came from the Alien force in direct proportion to the amount of flattery heaped on it, so they gave it a name, and the name was "God."
MONKEY BRAD: Blasphemy!!!!! Blasphemy!!!!!
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: No my friend, the truth...the glorious truth! A truth that began to divide people! To some people this alien snatcher of human bodies possessed contradictory traits of both good and evil, but they felt that by appeasing it, they could make it an ally. That seemed to have been a successful strategy for gaining the favors of this alien life force, so society institutionalized the duty to worship the alien force for its own good.
But among the populace, there were those who experienced considerable intrepidation over their bodies being occupied like a parasite by alien forces. While others felt that the alien force was not distributing its favors fairly based on merit of effort, and though these recalicitrants recognized its superior intelligence, they secretly nurtured suspicion of it, and began to cunningly develop their own strategy for liberating themselves from it by developing science!
The discovery of the brain as the organ of consciousness was the first major break in their efforts to reclaim everything inside humanity as indigenous to humanity from the invading alien force. It was the only chance for individuals to reclaim their bodies from alien control.
By so doing, thinkers began to get a better idea as to the actual substance of the alien, and they called this substance "Mind" rather than "God". However, the great advantage that the alien force had over humanity was that it was invisible.
MONKEY DAVID: Invisible? So what did they do?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Most of these people eventually surrendered, though they retained what knowledge they did gain of the alien force in the study of psychology, while the most rebellious turned their rebellion into a refusal to spend any more time studying what they could not see or measure, scientifically.
There developed a silent contempt among the boldest thinkers for the theologians, philosophers and psychologists who refused to look at the evidence that since the brain was the actual cause of many of the feelings attributed to Mind, individuals could mobilize matter against Mind from within the energy of the brain.
After thousands of books and articles were written on the Mind, these individuals began to see the study of Mind only as a form of enslavement that added insult to injury. As growing numbers of people began to lose the will to resist the aliens which snatched their bodies and assumed their identities, the aliens began to come out from behind their cloak of secrecy as the leaders of the world began to see great personal advantages in cooperating with these alien invaders referred to as "Minds."
THE CHEMIST: This is freaking me out man!!!!
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: It should. It was after hundreds of years my friends, that the Minds had mastered the ability to use human vanity to divide humanity and turn it against itself enough to move in for the kill by using the most vain among humans for their purposes, for it had become well-known that the most vain were also the most willing to betray their own kind.
ROBBL. MONKEY: Like who?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: You'd be surprised.
MONKEY DAVID: George Steinbrenner?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes.
EX-MONKEY BEN: Britany Spears?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes.
THE ELDER: World-renowned economist Dr. Gérard Turbanisch?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes.
MONKEY BRAD: Radio personality Hugh Hewitt?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes.
THE CHEMIST: What about Steve Gutenberg? He definately sold us out to the aliens right?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Oh, yes....
THE ELDER: What about the Minnesota Vikings? Are Randy Moss and Dante Culpepper on the alien payroll?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: I'm sorry to say so Elder, but yes.
THE ELDER: It finally makes sense! It finally makes freakin' sense!!!!!!!
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Gentlemen please! The Minds at this very moment, have completed the foundation for the final takeover of humanity by using its own political system, first, then finally the complete takeover of the identities of all human brains by economic automation.
EX-MONKEY BEN: Economic automation? Like ATM machines?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes, that's a part of it.
MONKEY DAVID: Paying your bills online, is that a part of it too?
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Yes.
MONKEY JAMESPH.: What about using your debit card instead of writing a check?
BRADL. MONKEY: Dude, didn't he just say ATM machines are a part of it? If ATM machines are a part of it, that means your debit card is a part of the alien conspiracy too!!!
MONKEY JAMESPH.: Oh yeah...
DR. MONKEYSTEIN: Enough questions gentlemen! Johnny roll tape!
JOHNNY: Yesh, master...
TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!
It finally happened. I got a Tivo for Christmas. So far, I'm just somewhat dazed by the possibilities. (It's just a 40 hour model, but I know that can be upgraded.) It seems to take a while to get into the deep water of the benefits of the system. I haven't secured a season pass for any show yet. I haven't begun with the recommendations yet. But it's already useful and fun.
While I'll just mention my lamentations over the documentation's FAQ being inadequate for my literalist imagination, I will save my technical questions for private emails to the other Monkeys. But I want to make a few non-FAQ-type questions public via the comments.
What shows have you found worthy of Season Pass status?
What shows were you surprised that you dumped from Season Pass status?
What odd practices or tips would you like to pass on to a new initiate?
Things I love about my buddy Johnny Cat:
1. The way he always waits for me at the door when I come home from work.
2. Whenever I lie on my how he'll immediately run over and give a tummy massage.
3. His cute little pink nose.
4. The way whenever I try to read the newspaper he walks all over it.
5. The way he stares down squirrels whenever they walk on our fire escape.
6. The way he coos like bird.
7. How cute he looks when he's asleep.
8. The way he follows my cleaning service guy around the apartment as if he's supervising him.
9. The way he copies whatever I do. For example: if I dinner, he'll eat dinner; if I sit on chair, he sits on a chair; if I go to a room, he goes to the room.
10. They way always looks down the toilet in awe whenever I flush it.
11. The way he always seems to know how to make me laugh.
Anyhow, thanks Johnny for choosing me, 2004 was a tough year, and if it weren't for you, I'd have gone crazy.
Meow.
Maybe I'm truly evil, but this gallery made me cackle like crazy. And Ex-Monkey Ben if you ever make that sweet son of yours cry while taking a Santa picture, I'll hunt you down like the Terminator.
Apparently there is this whole blogosphere thing going on out there on the internets? I wish someone would write a book about it and explain it all to us.
So everyone from my office decides to cut work and go have coffee at Starbucks. Fortunately, I had already blown the day off and was at the Brew Pub next door. Man, I work with a bunch a candy-assed people. It's "the Holidays" for crying out loud. Coffee? Candy-ass yuppie scum.
I need another beer.
No one asked, but the best Christmas album ever is "You Sleigh Me." It's one good alternative (whatever that is) Christmas song after another, but the highlight is "White Christmas" by James Carter, which is one of the best jazz improvistations I've ever heard. You'll listen to it all year.
It's pretty apparent I'm going to have to quit smoking. It's not even a question anymore. I have to. Or it's gonna kill me. It almost did. This isn't going to be hard, because I'm doing for my wife and my kids.
I don't have wife or kids, but if I keep smoking, I'll never get to meet them.
I honestly don't even remeber how I started.
Hugh Hewitt's favorite comic strip is "Cathy"?
My god, this is worse than anything The Elder has ever made up about Hugh.
Cathy?
For me, after Day-by-Day, nothing beats Liberty Meadows.
But Cathy?
Jeez, how terribly sad.
You're Hispanic, and you're an actor. And you really, really want to play a character like a... The Terminator. Because you believe the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own. Someone that they can relate to... as a Hispanic.
You're suprised by your roommate, when he comes home early, to find you dancing naked to the music of the Austrian pop star Falco.
"It's not what you think," you say sheepishly.
But it's everything he thinks, and more. The next day, you come home from work to find your roommate has removed all of his belongings from the apartment.
On the refrigerator is a note: "Dude, it's nothing personal. I just can't live here anymore. Especially when you compounded yesterday with the Rick Astley incident."
You wanna date a musician. No... you wanna live with a musician. And... and she'd write songs at home and ask you what you thought of them, and maybe even include one of your little private jokes in the liner notes. Maybe a little picture of you in the liner notes. Just in the background somewhere. Yeah.
Everytime you clean the kitty litter your cat stands above you on a counter with a sort of look of contempt on his face. As if it is your feces and urine that have befouled the box.
"You know you did this!" you want to scream. But you know he'll just look at you with that look of feline superiority, no, with that look of feline smugness that always pushes you over the edge.
Before you finish cleaning, your cat jumps off the counter, gives you last digusted glance, and then coolly struts away. And in that moment, you swear under your breath, that one day you will have your revenge, if not in this lifetime, then in the next.
Tonight you'll hear the jingle of a belt in the restroom at work. And your mind will drift back to junior high school. You'll remember stealing money out of your mother's purse. Buying cheap cigarettes. You'll remember a sip of alcohol in the boys' room. The taste of an 7th grader's lips.
But most of all, you'll remember coming home and finding your minister father waiting up for you so that he can admonish you for whatever sins of the flesh he assumed you had committed that day.
Ah, happy times... happy, happy times...
[Stolen from Girls Are Pretty]
Joe decided to do a piece on the best music of 2004. I am currently fighting with all my strength to resist making my own list. Not that his list is bad, I just can't help it.
But I will say only this, for now:
I hate the music those damn kids listen to these days. This is how I know I'm a grown-up. Sigh.
But I did like one album very much this year. Unsurprisingly, it is by a band from my youth that has recently gotten back together. Camper Van Beethoven are still at the top of their game, and the 10-year break they took only seems to have made them better musicians and better people. So go out and get "New Roman Times," preferably from an independent record store near you, or order it from Camper frontman David Lowery's Pitch-A-Tent website. Oh, and you can get it from the iTunes Music Store, along with an exclusive EP with different mixes of a few of the songs. If you want to try 2-3 songs from iTMS before getting the whole album, I'd recommend:
51-7 (this song is on Laura Ingraham's iTunes playlist right now)
Might Makes Right
White Fluffy Clouds
That Gum You Like Is Back In Style
From the New York Post:
"FOX is turning a grown adopted child's search for her father into a reality/game show called "Who's Your Daddy."
On the Jan. 3, 90-minute special, the woman will face eight men — one is her father, and the fakes' goal is to trick her into thinking they are.
If, after three elimination rounds, she picks out her real father, she wins $100,000. If she picks the wrong one, the fake daddy gets the big-bucks prize. "
The end is near. It's got to be. Please.
So last night was the company X-mas party. So today everybody talking about who hooked up with who and all that stuff. I went to a company party years ago and made out with a woman who I would find lout later, husband was mob lawyer. I swear to God.
I didn't go. Probably should have. Apparently, the party got so wild they cut the entire staff off. Today's lesson: never give free booze to newspaper people. Or free guacamole. It's a recipe for disaster.
I can't believe the Steelers are losing to the Giants. They are playing goddmaned Democrats. Well that's it, i'm done with the Steelers, and the Democrats. Well actually I've never really been with the Democrats. Well except that night I got really drunk and through my beer goggle eyes, I voted for Clinton in '92.
UPDATE: Oh, things are back to normal. Steelers ahead 17-14. Good. Can't have Giant fans happy.
UPDATE II: Now the fucking Steelers are playing like pussies again. It's like watching John Kerry trying to emote. Now the Giants are ahead 24-23. And it's the Agate Boys are all worked up. God, Giant fans are smug. But the Agate Boys will get theirs. And my Chargers will get the Giants first draft pick. Oh yeah. I'm thinking big-time game breaking receiver!
UPDATE II: I love working at the newspaper on Saturdays. Basically all we do is watch football and basketball, eat Popeye's fried chicken, make fun of the Agate Boys, and question the sanity of Giants' Head Coach Tom Coughlin.
The following was originally typed up as an email among friends. But the last time we had a discussion like this, I lost the files and found myself in the aisles at the store... stumped, and left empty-handed. This way, it's on the blog, accessible from anywhere, and readers can contribute through comments too. (I'm probably jinxing this thread by saying it, but many have been the times that our offline exchanges have been lamented for not having been posts. Of course, that was back in the days of Monkey Ben. A quiet pall has fallen over our cages since Ben was hauled off.)
Fellow Monkeys,Now I know I'm the last one to be saying, "Hey you should post on x..." but I will anyway.
I need to know what sort of holiday booze to buy. You know, an acceptable brandy to put in eggnog, a proper peppermint schnapps for hot cocoa, a respectable triple sec, the right whisk(e)y for hot toddies, etc. It should be stuff that's available on short notice, and priced for a party, so no brands found almost exclusively in specialty booz-tiques, mm-kay?
Also needed: the right wine for sangria. A good recipe for it would be fine too. You know my tastes, so it should be one that won't make me reach for the Splenda.
Noted at the store tonight: Great Googly-Moogly, prices for vanilla beans are high!
Laying in the supplies has begun. As of tonight I have amassed slightly over 2800 little yellow packets of Splenda. That is being reinforced by a laundy soap box sized container of the loose Splenda, cut to measure cup for cup with 10 pounds of real sugar. For added security, some of the stash is being stored offsite.
Evidence? How about his completely inexplicable support of a 1/2 billion in taxpayer funding for a baseball stadium in Washington D.C.
Disgusting.
I just bought my second TiVo, a 140-hour Series2 unit. No cheap purchase, after I got through buying ANOTHER $300 lifetime subscription to the TiVo service. I'm looking forward to your upcoming TiVoToGo feature, not to mention the super-secret announcement by Steve Jobs at MacWorld 2005 that the iPod Photo already includes support for this fine service. You guys are swell.
But PLEASE do one or both of the following soon:
Hugs and kisses!
Your pal,
RobbL
Some sentences I wanted to use in blog entries but never got around to using them:
*Oh, that Barney Rubble-- what an actor!
* Everything gets a little better after you've had a little hot cocoa and you've read "The Family Circus."
*Bring me the head of Babaloo Mandel!
* You can't scare her, she's sleeping with Prince Valium!
*He's not heavy, he's my Vladamir to my Estragon!
* Show us on the doll where they touched you Ex-Monkey Ben.
* Will they ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?
* It's like Cube says, "Life ain't nothin' but bitches and money."
* Way to go, you beautiful gay bastards!
* Judge Reinhold is clearly legislating from the bench!
* Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but kept telling people it was done for years?
You're a successful businessman, you come home to find that you're android wife has blown a fuse. Unfortunately for you they don't make her model anymore. But you're fucking rich. So you hires asexy renegade tracker to find her exact duplicate. your journey to replace your perfect mate leads you and the sexy tracker into the treacherous and lawless region of 'The Zone.' There you learn the hard way that the perfect woman is made not of computer chips and diodes, but of real flesh and blood!
INTERNATIONAL
Italics call for end to intifada
---------------------------------
Italics Liberation Organization
say rebellion a 'mistake'
HELVETICA, HELVETICA NEUE
CONTINUE UNIFICATION TALKS
-------------------------------------
Futura hails diplomatic efforts
by typefaces as 'historic'
CRAZED KANJII
ATTACKS KATAKANA
ON FLOOR OF PARLIAMENT
TECHNOFRAUDE
-------------------
Umlaut often left behind
in age of computers
NATIONAL
SCIENTISTS
DISCOVER NEW
ZAPF DINGBAT
------------------
Originally thought
to be wingding
Times New Roman
Votes for Name
Change Today
--------------------------
Poll finds 'Times Roman PS'
Leads by a Wide Margin
LETTER SUES COMPANY
FOR DISCRIMATION
------------------------
Company claims his
illegible appearance
hurt business
San Serif Numerals Union
Reject Latest Contract Offer
DOCTORS BLAME BAD DIET
AND LACK OF EXERCISE
AS REASON WHY LETTERS
ARE GETTING BOLDER
Letter 'W' held in double murder
FIVE LETTERS
ARRESTED
FOR FRAUD
-------------
All deny the charges
Doctors reattach tittle
to lower case "i"
----------------------
Punctum delens procedure
called a spectacular success
STEP 1
Make sure you let the readers know that until military action ends, your blog will take a back seat to war. Call for all those in the bloggoshpere to stop blogging immediately. Then, two days later, post a blog on the importance of blogging within the fabric of our society, especially during wartime.
STEP 2
Begin liberally using the phrase “in the grand scheme of things, it is not very important” in all blog entries. Example:
“Ex-Monkey Ben took the last piece of pizza. The goddamn bastard didn't even chip in. But it's only a piece of pizza. One which, in the grand scheme of things, is not very important.”
STEP 3
Post a letter from a relative, loved one, friend, neighbor, high-school homeroom teacher, video store clerk, paperboy or childhood sandbox buddy who is now fighting in the war. Example:
"The cousin of a guy of a guy of guy I know is making the ultimate sacrifice for our country, so that I can sit in this chair and blog about last night's episode of "The Simpsons." Which I might add, was the worst episode ever."
STEP 4
Change the tone of your blog. And try to eliminate all war-like language from your blog. There may be people who read your blog who know people who are making the ultimate sacrifice and the last thing they need is to be inadvertently reminded of that sacrifice with insensitive uses of phrases like: "politcal landmine" or "shotgun wedding" or "blowout victories."
STEP 5
Write a blog entry about Pat Tillman, who gave up millions of dollars in the NFL to re-enlist in the army. Then write a blog entry about trying get all of your able bodied blogmates like JamesPh to make the same sacrifice, and then portray them as anti-American in blog entry when they refuse.
STEP 6
Make sure to sprinkle references to "Islamo-facism" as often as possible. Example:
"I know I should quit smoking. I know it. I know it. I know it. And yet, I can't shake the feeling that that's exactly what the Islamo-facists want."
STEP 7
Always affirm your support for the troops. Example:
"First off I just want to say that I support all the troops-- especially those in the field. Now that all said, Eli Manning has no chance against the Pittburgh Steeler defense Saturday. It's nothing short of sending a lamb to its slaughter. The guy's fucking toast."
STEP 8
Instead of writing trivial banalities of your life, do a bit more soul searching on your blog. Example:
"I was going to write today about how the movie 'Alexander' is a cinematic travesty. And offer damning words on the abilities of Oliver Stone as director. But I started thinking: during a time of international military crisis, is that really the right thing to do?"
The Chemist wrote:You have to make sure you've got your priorities in line... just make sure you're doing all this for the right reasons, or else it can easily do more harm than good.When was fat, I used to wonder what it would be like just to be normal. And when I mean normal, just able to buy clothes off-the rack like everyone else.
In my mind if was normal somehow all my problems would go away like magic. While I was in the process of losing the weight, I had picture in my mind of what my life would be like when eveything was said and done. I needed that picture to make it, but when that picture of my life didn't materialize like i imagined it would I was extremely disappointed and angry.
It seemed like nothing changed other than my waistline.
One night I was praying, complaining about my lot in life, when God spoke to me.
By the way, I should mention, God speaks to me a lot. And I should mention that most people have the ability to talk to God if they choose to. All it takes is accepting that you're God. That you're not separate, but one and the same.
Once you accept it, it's pretty easy to have regular conversations. Anyhow, when God speaks to me he has wonderful sense of humor. He always gets me to laugh at myself, put things in perspective, and see that the things I think are so bad aren't as bad as I think they are.
Anyhow, the best advice God ever gave me, and he's given me a lot is:
Anyhow, I was complaining about how nothing had changed. God told me everything had changed I just couldn't see it yet.
He was right. I still can't see everythihng, but a lot more of it is making sense. Everyday something happens that makes realize that I made the right decision about my life. And I'm not just talking about losing weight. That's a superficial thing. The change I needed to make was on the inside.
And I value both. But the change on the inside is the one that's going to lead to the picture of what I want my life to be. Become the man I'm supposed to be, and the life I want will just come to me. It's funny how that works.
Anyhow, I guess I really didn't want to talk about weightlifing. But resistance is a good way to build muscle mass, which is your body's natural protection from fat. (Muscle burns calories even when you sleep-- fat is inert so it does nothing.) Muscle mass is relatively easy to build up.
Monkeystein out.
Fulcrum J. Wingnut writes:I lost about 60 pounds about three months ago on a half-assed version of Atkins. On my birthday in early September I treated myself to some ice cream. Then I tried some job-supplied home-made cookies that had been tempting me all year and refused.As of Dec. 8 I am still "celebrating my birthday" and eating like a stupid bastard. I have gained back 40 pounds in three months. I don't know if that's a big deal, but it is to me. Apparently I have an addictive personality because I just can't seem to stop eating! I tell myselft to stop doing it, but I always find a cookie or cupcake in my hand. I curse myself but continue doing it. If I could just get back on track I'd be OK...I guess I could use my addictive personality to my advantage and get addicted to weight loss. That's probably how I lost the 60 pounds in the first damn place.
When, not "if." You know what you have to do, just do it.
Repeat this phrase over and over until you get it: "It's just food." It's just food my friend. It's just something your body needs to survive. Nothing more, nothing less.
One of the weirdest things about the American food culture is how people will talk about how they love food. "oh I love ice cream." "oh I love cheesburgers." I love this, I love that. blah, blah, blah.
You don't love ice cream. You love your spouse. You love your children. You love your parents. You love your friends. But I can definately tell you you don't love ice cream or whatever food item you think you love.
You like ice cream, but you don't love it.
It's just food. It's that simple really. You can choose to be a slave to food, or you can choose freedom.
I personally, enjoy being a free man, and I think you would too. But you have to choose. And you have to stick to your guns. You are a lot tougher than you think, so don't sell yourself short.
I know I have to "eat better" but I hate the taste of fruit and vegetables.
That's because your taste buds have been ruined by all the years you've been eating fake foods with their artificial flavorings and additives. You actually do like the taste of fruits and vegetables, it's just your taste is out of whack.
And the moment you quit eating processed foods-- that's anything in a box, a package or a can-- your taste buds change. Just try say, for two weeks. And then after a couple of weeks, try eating some potato chips, and tell me it doesn't taste terrible. You'd be surprised.
I work the night shift so I'm a zombie during the day when I should exercise. I seem to be great at making excuses rather than progress.That's bullshit. I work the night shift. I go to the gym before I go to work. So if I can do it, so can you. In fact, I can tell you if you go to the gym you'll feel less like zombie and more energized and more focused.
All you have to do, is go three times a week for 30 minutes. That's three reruns of "Friends" or "Seinfeld." You can do that. That's easy.
I am going to tell you a secret about going to the gym-- don't think of it as chore. Think of it as something to experience. Most people tune out their workouts. Big mistake. Tune in, feel your muscles work, feel your heart race, really get into the experience of breathing. It makes a big difference.
Now if you're really serious about changing your life, I highly recommend that you read Body for Life it was and is a great resource for me. It explains weight loss and weightlifting in a no nosense and easily digestable way.
NEXT TIME: WEIGHT LIFTING AND WHY I LOVE IT
It just occurred to me that our Newly Married Monkey never followed through on his promise to post about his wedding. I wonder why?
There's something not quite right about a reporter manipulating a Q&A with Mr. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. The reporter takes credit here, calling it "one of my best days as a journalist."
It's funny, because just earlier today I heard a CNN reporter doing a promo for Lou Dobb's show, saying something like "it promises to be another news-making show."
That's what we've come to--journalists believe that their job is not to report the news, but to make it.
(By the way, I'm not going to defend the Defense Department--it is a real problem that they haven't gotten their act together to get the right materials to Iraq, although I don't agree with the spin that they aren't trying.)
So the new year is coming around, and that can only mean one thing: New Year's resolutions. Now, you really have had to be reading this blog for a long time to know that I, Dr. Monkeystein, lost about 115 pounds three years ago.
Maybe you've put on some extra weight and you want to get rid of it. I am not a medical doctor of course, but I am a weight loss expert. You have to be. And I am more than willing to share eveything I know to anyone who reads this blog. So if you have questions about making a life style change, don't be shy.
Remember, I'm The Late Guy. After about 1:00 a.m. I'm off deadline at my newspaper. I have to stay until 2:30 a.m. not matter what. I play Stratego or 1000 Miles (a really cool game btw) on my computer or I can answer your questions about losing weight and getting in shape.
I was thinking I'd like to do it in the form of a FAQ. And hopefully some of the other Monkeys can chip in with their advice as well.
... you walk into your regular watering hole with no money and eat and drink your self silly, and then say to the owner of the bar: "just put my bill on The Wall-- I'll pay it tomorrow."
Here is a great story about dolphins surrounding four swimmers to protect them from a 10 foot great white shark.
And here's the sad part.
Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. you fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity.
We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.
I thought I loved Diana, but maybe I really just needed her. There was so much sadness back then and when I was in bed with her, I wasn't thinking about sadness.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that we can't know what's in another person's heart, we can't even know what's in our own. Life turns on a dime, and somehow we muddle through.
Right now, I'm listening to the adagio from Beethoven's 7th Symphony. I think
Ludwig pretty much summed up death in this one. You know, he had lost just
about all his hearing when he wrote it, and I've often wondered if that didn't
help him tune into the final silence of the great beyond.
Most of you have been where I am tonight. The crash site of unrequited love.
You ask yourself, "How did I get here? What was it about? Was it her smile?
Was it the way she crossed her legs, the turn of her ankle, the poignant
vulnerability of her slender wrists? What are these elusive and ephemeral
things that ignite passion in the human heart?"
That's an age-old question. It's perfect food for thought on a bright midsummer's night. You said it best, Will. "Love looks not with eye but with the mind, And therefore is the wing'd Cupid painted blind."
Right now it's raining in New York City. Rain usually makes me feel mellow. Curl up in the corner time, slow down, smell the furniture. Today it just makes me feel wet.
What is it about possessing things? Why do we feel the need to own what we love, and why do we become jerks when we do? We've all been there--you want something, to possess it. By possessing something you lose it. You finally win the girl of your dreams, the first thing you do is change her. The little things she does with her hair, the way she wears her clothes or the way she chews her gum. Pretty soon what you like, what you changed, what you don't like, blends togetherlike a watercolor in the rain.
Recent events have set me pondering that old ontological riddle: life. Is it
random or systematic? Today I'm opting for the systematic approach. Algebraic
if you will. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.
Like most human beings I've tried to make sense of things. I don't know if I accomplished anything. I don't know if anybody can. Isaac Newton thought that the universe functioned like clockwork, like a well-oiled machine. That's a comforting vision--neat, orderly, predictable.
Unfortunately, it's a vision that's pretty much been shot to pieces by relativity, quantum mechanics, and all the other bugaboos of physics. The universe is weird. We break our teeth developing theories, equations, systems and where does it all leave us?
Anyhow, tonight's final words are from Ivan Turgenev: "A system is like the tail of truth, but truth is like a lizard. It leaves its tail in your fingers and runs away knowing full well it will grow a new one in a twinkling."
I guess that says it all doesn't it? Yeah, I guess it does.
Working in the sports department isn't for the thin-skinned. That, and people who are trying give up gambling. If you have a gambling problem, you don't want to work sports, and well from all appearances, at this newspaper.
I, of course, don't gamble. If I wanted to throw away my hard-earned cash, I'll go to a strip club. That's a good and honest way of throwing away of good money.
Anyhow, the sports departmart cruel, cruel people. A lot of the younger guys work on the agate desk. They hate the older guys because well, the older guys are doing the jobs they want to do.
The agate kids are bitter wastrels prone to creating sports chants mocking editors who have incurred their wrath. Some examples:
"Fire Johnson!" [clap-clap, clap-clap-clap]
or say taking the Atlanta Brave tomahawk chant: "Dah-dah, dah-dah-dah! Johnson sucks!"
It's all good fun. Anyhow, the Agate kids decided to pick me. Bad mistake. You see I knew sooner or later my time would come. And I planned my response: "That's alright! That's okay! You'll be doing agate all day!"
To which every sports editor stood up and applauded me. The agate kids were stunned. They'd never been defeated before.
Nobody messes with The Late Guy. Nobody.
Whenever I hear the name Obama I hear that music from Star Wars in my head. The one with just the horn that represents Luke Skywalker as "the new hope."
[INT--Darth Cheney and Obama Barack in space station fighting with light sabers.]
Darth Cheney: Impressive. Most impressive. Clinton has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.
[Cheney and Obama fight more and then Cheney cuts off Obama's hand.]
Darth Cheney: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you.
[pauses]
Darth Cheney: Obama, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the international community!
Obama: I'll never join you!
zzzzz... must change bandages... zzzzzzz...must coach basketball......zzzzzzzz....must teach......zzzzz......must suffer even more humiliating loss as basketball coach... zzzzzzz... must visit hometown and get teary-eyed.....zzzzzzzz....opinions not worth blogging...zzzzzzzzz....
What? A SPLENDA SHORTAGE? Holy sucralose! I had hoped that my numerous pro-Splenda posts would encourage the success of Splenda, but I never dreamed our blog had this kind of power. My efforts to ensure my own access to the miracle sweetener [that, yes–yes, might kill me according to your naturalist homeopath] have been undermined by my smothering love.
I think I'm set to make it through the Prilosec shortage. I'm braving it through the flu shot shortage. But I'm gonna do my darn'dest to make sure I stock up effectively on my Splenda.
I adore it so that one haiku alone will not suffice.
O, sweet, sweet Splenda –My beacon ingredient...
Tamer of bitter.
_____________________Tear yellow packet:
White powder dust floats up to
The back of my throat.
1. You define your life as a "prison term" until James Ph. writes a new blog entry.
2. Sure, its great to learn about new music, fine wines, and politics-- but what you really want to know is: What does JamesPh. think about it?!!!
3.You're from South Carolina and a lot of people say "Do what now?" down there. When they say that you say" READ INFINATE MONKEYS AND GET JIMMYFIED!!!"
4. You daydream of being alone with JamesPh. in a rowboat on lake.
5. You're so ashamed, you thought you were the only one.
6. Instead of taking your usual dose of B vitamins, you re-read JamesPh. blog entries.
7. You've created a drinking game called "The Jimmy Factor."
8. You keep track of how many adverbs JamesPh. uses.
9. You get evil when any of the other Monkeys write something, and it pushes JamesPh's entry from the top spot.
10. You've remaned your two cats "Jimmy One" and "Jimmy Two"!
(Hat tip: Jimmy)
The Supreme Court in Ukraine has ordered that the presidential election be held again. This is a story that has been getting a lot of coverage, although I doubt many people watching Brian Williams have a sense of what's at stake here. The former Soviet states could easily plunge back into totalitarian darkness. Russia is already well on the way. What does this mean for the U.S.? A lot--in order for the "march of freedom" to continue in unstable areas (the Middle East and Asia) we need the former Soviet states to show that democracy is possible. Even more critical, we need a strong, stable and free Russia to balance the most dangerous country in the world (in the longer term), Wal-Mart's friend China.
The Atlantic Monthly has an excellent article on vodka this month. Corby Kummer is one of the reasons I still subscribe to the Atlantic Monthly after Michael Kelly died (the others are P.J. O'Rourke and Christopher Hitchens).
I'll let you in on a secret: vodka is what makes Dr. Monkeystein write the way he does. Great quantities of vodka. I'll be looking forward to what he writes when he tries the Hanger One Straight vodka. I'm sipping some right now, and it's wonderful (the first time I've ever liked a vodka).
Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: "return to sender, addressee unknown." That's a shame because it's a whole other world out there--or in here depending on your point of view.
Indeed, for all we know this very moment could be nothing more than vapors of our own imaginations. As Bertrand Russell mused, "I do not believe that I am now dreaming, but I cannot prove that I am not."
If there is nothing of substance in the world, if the ground we walk on is just a mirage, if reality itself really isn't, what are we left with? On what do we hang our hat? Magic. The stuff not ruled by rational law. Now, that might not seem too comforting, but stay with me. What's the height of the irrational, the zip code of the mysterious?
When we think of a magician, the image that comes to mind is Merlin--long white beard, cone-shaped hat--you know. Well in one version of the Arthurian legend this archetypal sorcerer retires, checks out of the conjuring business.
His reason? The rationalists are taking over. the time for magic is coming to an end. Well old Merlin should've stuck around, 'cause those same rationalists, trying to put a rope around reality, found themselves in the psychedelic land of physics, a land of quarks and gluons and neutrinos, a place that refuses to play by Newtonian rules, that refuses to play by any rules at all--a place much better suited to the Merlins of the world.
It seems to me as you peel back the onion of the atom, as you get into smaller and smaller particles, you find that they might not be particles at all. Subatomic particles might really just be vibrating waves of energy. The essential building block of everything is nothing.
All is an illusion. That's what I hated about physics. What are you supposed to DO with information like that?
Anyhow, life can be so elemental. Or not. So real. or not. Without the interference of reality you can really experience things like,...silence. Silence and darkness in its purity. Right now, right outside my window all I can see is a black void.
Endless darkness. It's totally exhilarating, and I feel very lucky to be
here. Very, very lucky.
Good night my friends. And sweet dreams and sweet awakenings.
(Mostly ripped off from Chris on "Northern Exposure.")
Hi folks, Dr. Monkeystein here. WE've been getting loads and loads e-mails begging and pleading and asking how former Infinate Monkey Ben is doing.
First off I wanna say who gives a fuck?! He left us in the lurch! One moment everything is hunky dory and then the next moment you're having lunch at the Black Angus and he's giving you this whole speech, "It's not you Dr. Monkeystein-- it's me."
And you're like, "What the hell? I thought everything was fine. Sure, maybe I did take him for granted. And I wasn't as attentive as I used to be. And perhaps I was overly critical of him. But to be dumped before I finished my salad course-- that's just wrong man. Wrong!"
Anyhow, update on Ben. He's doing fine. In fact we have a little surprise, through the magic of Internet tecchnology we now have a live remote with Ex-Monkey Ben.
Ben are you there?
Yeah, I'm here pal.
How are things at the new job?
Well oncce you get used to the back-breaking hours, the heat and the offices that smell faintly of limburger cheese, things arre great!!!
Keeping you busy eh?
I'll say, why just the other day I wrote an entire editorial about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey!
Wow! You didn't get to do that at your old job!
Exactly, this is the sort of editorial freedom I've dreamed about my entire adult life!
That sounds great!
Y'know what I'm working on right now?
What?
A contrarian think piece about the geius of Kevin Costner's "The Postman."
Boy... they're really giving you a lot of rope pal!
"The Postman" is the ointment for our troubled times. A paean to the America that could have been and still could be. And I'll tell you something else-- that Jeanne Tripplehorn is a hell of a looker.
Jeanne Tripplehorn was in 'Waterworld.'
Bah, details... I don't have time for details Monkeystein. I'm talking about the big picture here and the ascendence of "The Postman" into the Pantheon of cinematic greats like "Casablanca", "The Quiet Man", "To Kill a Mockingbird", "Raging Bull", "The Empire Strikes Back", "King Kong" and "Superman II."
And don't forget "Porky's"...
Yes "Porky's." That's what I'm talking about Doctor! Classics!
Well Ben, it was nice catching up with you.
Well, folks