Infinite Monkeys
"...a sparkly blog..." - James Lileks"Read them only with extreme caution."- Hugh Hewitt
Infinite MonkeysIf a plan goes through allowing illegal aliens to apply for citizenship with a series of steps that include one or two payments of a few thousand dollars, I say that the funds should not go into the budgets of the feds or the states. Someone should do the math to figure out how to distribute the proceeds among all those American citizens who have only become such legally over the last x-number of years. The folks currently in the queue for the legitimate citizenship process ought to get cut in too.
I thought the bathroom in the apartment I shared during my sophomore year of college was pretty bad. This is much, much worse.
That was the headline of a story from the Weekly World News that I had on my dorm room door when I was in college. Or Monkey Brad did. I forget. I do remember the line "He's only four feet tall, but there's fire in his eyes."
I was reminded of that donkey today when I saw this story about a demon cat. He's smaller than four feet tall, but he has claws...
I once had the honor of being corrected by Lyn Nofziger. May he rest in peace.
Peter Robinson notes: "Lyn Nofziger was one of the toughest, funniest, smartest, and most utterly loyal men I’ve ever known. He’s also the only man I’ve ever known who wore a Mickey Mouse tie to the White House every day..." Robinson has some of Nofziger in his own words. And by all means, take a look at Nofziger's website.
Bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike.
Work work work.
Bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike.
Family family family.
Bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike.
Blog?
Bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike bike.
This story from the LA Times reads like the premise for a procedural crime drama.
I saw V for Vendetta on Tuesday at the IMAX theater in the Irvine Spectrum. Great movie, and an excellent place to see it.
It was interesting how the movie was able to play like a graphic novel in pacing and "vibe" without attempting to simulate the medium itself. In this way, "V" was much closer to "Batman Returns" than to "Sin City" - which I appreciated, because you could get sucked into the story without being distracted by the presentation.
Does the film "endorse" some extreme ideas? Yes and no. On the one hand, it's "just a movie" and not presented as some sort of philosophical justification of anarchism, vigilantism, or guerilla/terrorist tactics. At the same time, these practices are presented as unapologetically heroic in the film. This is not, in my opinion, a bad thing. Even if one doesn't agree with the lengths to which V will go to defend freedom, these considerations should not be dismissed without discussion. It's not a bad thing for people to consider how much crap they'll accept from their government before they say, "enough!"
The Wachowski Brothers continue to reinforce my belief that "the questions are more interesting than the answers." I think the first Matrix movie (versus the other two) was the strongest evidence of this. The Wachowskis bite off a less speculative subject this time, however, and the results are more mentally satisfying. While the conclusions are still naive and idealistic, and the romantic elements are ham-fisted, "V for Vendetta" is viscerally satisfying and appealing to our "better angels" of justice and liberty.
Go watch this. Don't let the slow intro stop you from watching every wonderful moment.
I have been consumed by interest in the Scientology theme. Holy crap, that is one whacked out cult. I've called things Orwellian before, but now I have a whole new benchmark. I keep telling myself I'm going to blog it, but it's so frickin' huge. In the style of Cartman's song about Kyle's mom, let me say the following:
WEEEEEEELLLLL!!!!
Well, Scientology's a cult, it's a big fat cult,
it's the biggest cult in the whole wide world.
It's a stupid cult, if there ever was a cult.
It's a cult to all the boys and girls.Monday, it's a cult. On Tuesdays, it's a cult
and Wednesday through Saturday, it's a cult.
Then on Sunday, just to be different,
it's a super King Kameihameiha kult.Have you ever met Scientology?
It's the biggest cult in the whole wide world.
It's a fraudulent cult and has ruthless ways.
It's a c-c-c-c-c-c-cult.C-c-c-c-c-c-c-cult it's a stupid cult.
Scientology's a cult and it's just a dirty cult.Talk to former members around the world -
It might go a little bit something like this
(unspeakable passage - if you were exposed to it
unprepared you'd develop pneumonia and die)Have you ever read L. Ron Hubbard?
He was the biggest cult leader in the whole wide world.
He's a mean old man and had a stupid ascot.
He was a c-c-c-c-c-cult leader.C-c-c-c-c-c-c-cult it's a stupid cult.
Scientology's a cult and it's just a dirty cult.I really mean it...
Scientology....It's a big fat dangerous cult
Cuz we're talking about Scientology....Yeah
Chahhhhhh
Roger Friedman at Fox News suggests that Isaac Hayes didn't quit his role as South Park's Chef, but that somebody -- perhaps Hayes' Scientology handler -- quit it for him. Friedman makes an interesting case, though I see a few problems with his theory.
First, it's not at all unusual for somebody who suffers a stroke or a life-threatening illness to reevaluate his perspective, particularly where religion is concerned. Neither Hayes being in intensive therapy nor his prior statements about the Scientology episode prove that the man hasn't simply changed his mind.
More troubling is the cranky response South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone issued immediately after the news came out. If Hayes has indeed been out of commission for a couple of months and "in no position to have quit anything", I would have expected Parker and Stone to have at least a basic awareness of that.
Still, I hope Friedman's little conspiracy theory turns out to be true. Hayes has always come off as a tremendously good sport about the content of South Park, a fact that has given hope to those of us who desire to some day throw off the shackles of political correctness and be able to speak our minds freeely once again.
Navy Exchanges Fire With Suspected Pirates
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates (AP) - Two U.S. Navy warships exchanged gunfire with suspected pirates Saturday off the coast of Somalia, and one suspect was killed and five others were wounded, the navy said.
Seven other suspects were taken into custody after the early-morning shootout, said Lt. Cmdr. Charlie Brown, spokesman for the U.S. Navy's 5th Fleet.
You're a good man, Commander.
Man, I love these guys. My only question: should it be President Parker and Vice President Stone, or the other way around?
Here's their statement to Daily Variety:
So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun!
Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies.
Curses and drat! You have obstructed us now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu.
--Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants to the dark lord Xenu.
It's Les Nessman's world now, and we just live in it.
Oh, great. I have to dig up some green. I may have some trousers that are actually pressed. Remember, though, it's amateur night. So be careful out there and "May you always have walls for the winds, A roof for the rain, Tea beside the fire, Laughter to cheer you, Those you love near you, And all your heart may desire."
The whole world (more or less) is Irish-American today. Oh, and don't forget to raise a glass of Jameson's Powers Gold Label* to the memory St. Brendan, too.
* Powers Gold Label (TM) is the official Irish Whiskey (TM) of the Infinite Monkeys (TM). Please drink Powers moderately. Unlike RobbL (TM), who goes through a case (TM) a week.
I think Lileks perfectly captures how anyone should react to the possible bird flu pandemic. You should be very, very worried. Or not. Maybe you should think it's all silly over-reaction and (as Bill Maher does) decide it's just another invented culture of fear panic. It's funny, 'cause it's ducks. It's no funny, 'cause your grandmother could die.
Dunno. The important thing is, no matter what happens, I don't want to be quoted later as having dismissed the warnings of this terrible tragedy. Or over-reacting to this Y2K-like silliness. Whichever.
It's curious. Yale will not allow the ROTC on campus. Does not want military recruiters on campus. But the flak for a murderous, hateful, sexist, regime, well, that's okay.
For some of us, a flourishing democracy in Iraq was never as important as a quiescent Iraq. Better for the United States to be feared than loved, hated perhaps but respected rather than despised. Last year's elections offered some reason for optimism, as did reports -- mostly from enterprising milbloggers and independent journalists -- that Iraq's transformation on the ground was going much better than the mainstream press was letting on.
But history is an unforgiving teacher. Americans have long and bitter experience spreading the gospel of liberty and equality to the world, with limited success and much disappointment. Consider the Philippines.
Priscilla Tacujan compares America's colonial ventures in the Philippines in the early part of the 20th century with the late adventures in Mesopotamia and draws some disturbing parallels:
The failure of American-style constitutional democracy to blossom in the Philippines can be explained in large part by the philosophically inspired shift in American colonial policy during the critical early period of the Philippine experiment (1900 to 1921). Initially, the belief guiding American policy in the Philippines was that ... Americans should be "republican schoolmasters." [Americans] were not shy about the superiority of their ideas to local customs and prejudices. But by 1913 America had a new president, the Progressive Democrat Woodrow Wilson, who argued for and put into effect a policy of "self-determination" for the Philippines as the sine qua non of democracy.
President Bush's Wilsonian tendencies are well-known, if not entirely understood. And so in Iraq, Tacujan argues, we find ourselves tripping down Wilson's path, "encouraging the formation of a government of 'consensus,' ... a coalition government composed of political parties and groups created along ethnic and religious lines instead of encouraging a 'national unity government' where excellence and justice can be measured by some common standard..."
Self-determination, in other words, is a sucker's game. When Iraq's constitutional government fully implodes into treachery and violence, Tacujan will have offered a persuasive historical diagnosis why.
But the comparison to the Philippines is apt for another reason. It was in the Philippines a century ago that the United States last defeated a determined Islamic insurgency. We would do well to learn from our successes as well as our mistakes. (Via No Left Turns.)
I just discovered that my church's messages are available as podcasts through iTunes. Our pastor's daily local radio show is also available there. That prompted me to search for R.C. Sproul's great radio show "Renewing Your Mind." Whoop!
Politics and music aside, what other podcasts have you been excited to find? Remember, no politics, no music in these responses.
Does anybody else look at Bush's response to Hurricane Katrina, and shudder with fear at the inevitable bungled response to (and lack of preparation for) Avian Flu?
On a related note, did anyone ever imagine that they'd live to see a President whose ineptitude actually exceeds that of Jimmy Carter?
So, after God knows how many years of lampooning every known religion, Isaac Hayes is suddenly offended when his paymasters lampoon his peculiar cult. I'm with the "South Park" nihilists on this: "He wants a different standard for religions other than his own." Far be it from me to cheer the vulgar and stupid, but I think I speak for all Americans when I say: Up yours, Hayes. Damn right.
Update: Whoops. Yeah, what James said.
Oh good lord. I heard Hugh advertising Blogger's Blend coffee today and I thought it was a joke.
There's a secret password ("Hugh") to get to the blogger coffee where you will see such fine choices as Bloggers Boot up Blend, and Pajama Passion.
Has blogging Jumped the Shark?
Is Isaac Hayes a punk, or what?
Isaac Hayes Quits 'South Park' Over 'Bigotry'
Outspoken Scientologist Upset With Show's Depiction of Religion
By ERIN CARLSON, AP
NEW YORK (March 13) - Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.
Hayes, who has played the ladies' man/school cook in the animated Comedy Central satire since 1997, said in a statement Monday that he feels a line has been crossed.
A line? Crossed? He is talking about South Park, right?
"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.
Geez, he sounds like a Muslim.
"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."
Not like showing a Catholic Priest Boo-Foo'ing someone in the confessional, huh Chef?
"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem - and he's cashed plenty of checks - with our show making fun of Christians."
I might add that Kyle's family seems a little, well, "stereotypically Jewish" as well.
Last November, "South Park" targeted the Church of Scientology and its celebrity followers, including actors Tom Cruise and John Travolta, in a top-rated episode called "Trapped in the Closet." In the episode, Stan, one of the show's four mischievous fourth graders, is hailed as a reluctant savior by Scientology leaders, while a cartoon Cruise locks himself in a closet and won't come out.
Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."
Wow. That sounds like it could've been in a New York Times or Washington Post editorial about the Danish cartoon controversy. Yeah, when monkeys fly outta my butt.
"Screw you CHef, I'm going home!"
I'm not terribly experienced with this sort of thing, so this drink probably already has another name, but just in case:
Dread Pirate Roberts
1.5 oz. Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum
1.5 oz. Kahlua
3 oz. Half-and-Half
Pour over crushed ice and stir. One serving.
We had friends over, and I made White Russians while we all watched The Big Lebowski. The next night, I looked over and noticed the bottle of Captain Morgan's they had brought, and decided to substitute the Captain for vodka, and voila!
In fact, I think I'll have another right now.
Top 10 most recently purchased albums from the iTunes Music Store
1) "On An Island," David Gilmour
2) "Whipped Cream & Other Delights Rewhipped," Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass, etc.
3) "The Sunny Side of the Moon: The Best of Richard Cheese," Richard Cheese
4) "I Like to Move It EP," The Madagascar Five
5) "Only A Lad," Oingo Boingo
6) "Dimensions EP," Wolfmother
7) "Madagascar Motion Picture Soundtrack," Hans Zimmer, et. al.
8) "Rock Don't Run Vol. 2 (Out of Print Collection)," Various
9) "Rock Don't Run Vol. 3," Various
10) "R30 (Live)," Rush
Top 10 most recently purchased songs from the iTunes Music Store
1) "Transylvania Boogie," by Frank Zappa
2) "Travelin' Thru," by Dolly Parton
3) "These Boots Are Made for Walkin' (David Byrne Solo Acoustic Version)," by Talking Heads
4) "I'm the Only Hell (Mama Ever Raised)," by Johnny Paycheck
5) "Don't Need No Monkey On My Back," by Howard Tate
6) "Don't Tell Your Monkey Man," by Eubie Blake
7) "Don't Monkey With Another Monkey's Monkey," by Johnny Paycheck
8) "Symphony No. 1: Tarantella," composed by John Corigliano/Leonard Slatkin
9) "Rumble," by the Balboas
10) "Land of 1000 Dances," by the Rascals
Top 10 most recently played songs on iTunes
1) "Devil's Punchbowl," by Satan's Pilgrims
2) "Take a Breath," by David Gilmour
3) "Are You Experienced," by Devo
4) "Mein Vater war ein Zwitter," by the Peter Thomas Sound Orchester
5) "We're All Gonna Die Someday," by Kasey Chambers
6) "Transylvania Boogie," by Frank Zappa
7) "I Like to Move It," by Erick Morillo & Sacha Baron Cohen
8) "Jingle Bells," by SpongeBob Squarepants
9) "First Wave Intact," by the Secret Machines
10) "Dinah-Moe Humm," by Frank Zappa
Mark Steyn might be the best columnist alive today. But he has now been banned in Great Britain. As Charles Johnson points out, Steyn has been "clear-headed, uncompromising writing about Islam."
The Muslim world goes seemingly batshit over some silly cartoons, and one of the few voices in the wilderness pointing out that they are, well, batshit, now is not read in Merry Old England? Maybe Mark Steyn's "speaking truth to power" is considered too "vulgar and stupid" by some? Too inflammatory, and just unnecessary?
While the West continues to surrender to Muslim sensitivity and insecurities, the irony of it all is that writers like Steyn are doing nothing more than taking these fanatics at their word. To re-quote Steyn from here:
The issue is not "freedom of speech" or "the responsibilities of the press" or "sensitivity to certain cultures." The issue, as it has been in all these loony tune controversies going back to the Salman Rushdie fatwa, is the point at which a free society musters the will to stand up to thugs. British Muslims march through the streets waving placards reading "BEHEAD THE ENEMIES OF ISLAM." If they mean that, bring it on. As my columnar confrere John O'Sullivan argued, we might as well fight in the first ditch as the last.
And that was the sin of the Danish cartoons. Illustrating what we all know to be true. For some reason, this earth is populated by millions of people who are inspired by Islam to commit acts of violence and oppression.
Read Steyn's latest, while you can.
Hat tip: Powerline.
From the Good News/Bad News Dept:
Former Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic finally did the decent thing and died today. The bad news is that ther son of a bitch died quietly in his bed. One can only hope that he had a few waking moments of excruciating pain before he kicked it. F***er.
God forbid that Saddam trial goes on so long he does the same thing. As Michael Ledeen might say, "faster please."
So in Mesa, Arizona, the Vice Fire Chief (emphasis on "vice") was caught trying to "expletive a sheep." And a candidate for city council got in a firefight with someone who, it turns out, had a BB gun (the story is only funny because both were terrible shots).
That Mesa sounds like a fun place.
For some of the internees at Guantanamo Bay, the "torture" of U.S. custody is far more desirable than the torture awaiting them at home.
Dozens of Americans on Monday mourned the sudden passing of comedian Jon Stewart, who immolated himself on the Kodak Theater stage during the 78th Annual Academy Awards the night before.
Frazier Moore sobs at the failure of Stewart's "usually impeccable blend of puckishness and self-effacement" to win the crowd, while Salon's Cintra Wilson gnashes her teeth and rends her clothing over Stewart's lackluster performance.
Meantime, Joel Keller wonders what the hell the critics were expecting. A miracle, Joel. Nothing less. But Lisa Schmeiser at TeeVee couldn't wait until Stewart was properly interred before proposing fresh meat for next year's ritual sacrifice.
Poland and Hungary are fighting over the definition of vodka. This is serious business, as Paul Belien explains, with far reaching implications: "The European Court of Human Rights in Strasburg ruled that the American brewer Anheuser-Busch is not allowed to use its Budweiser brand name in Portugal (or anywhere else in the EU)." What does beer have to do with vodka? It's all about the regulations, people -- who regulates, and who gets regulated.
Like most right-thinking Americans, I gave up on "Saturday Night Live" a long time ago. But thanks to the miracle of the Internet, I can enjoy Natalie Portman in the funniest sketch since "Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult."
Bad as President Sid was, I managed to resist temptation and remain right with the Lord. For now.
So, the Academy figured out how to quit "Brokeback Mountain" after all. Turns out, the rumors are true: Hollywood is a backward cesspool of reactionary homophobia. I'm sure Phyllis Schlafly would feel right at home.
Cowards! West Hollywood burns tonight!
Sunday was a pretty good night for pimps, though. (But don't forget to declare the bling, um, homeys.) It was an especially bad night for dames* (and network censors, evidently).
Just out of curiosity, have the remains of Jon Stewart been carried from the Kodak Theater yet? Did anyone watch long enough to notice... or care?
Update: Captain Ed wonders if Jon Stewart's career will ever be the same. "When David Letterman bombed at the Oscars, he had a multimillion-dollar contract at CBS to cushion his fall. Will Jon Stewart survive this disaster? Should he survive it?"
Oh, and I just now came upon the Pajamas Media "blogjam". Look upon it and despair, fellow Americans. People actually invested real money in that trainwreck.
*Link may or may not work... it's supposed to be a Variety recap of the Oscars, which includes a short account of the mounds of mockery heaped upon poor Judi Dench, who can't seem to catch a break.
So a weird recurring theme in the Oscars tonight was that you really should see movies in the theater, and not on DVD. They even had a montage of movies that could really only be appreciated on the big screen.
Of course,
a) most people have no opportunity to see movies such as "Gone With the Wind" or even "E.T." on the big screen and
b) you people are making a hell of a lot of money from people like me buying your DVDs, and will probably make a hell of a lot when a rebuy a few things on high definition DVD in a few years.
So shut the hell up.
But I loved Jon Stewart's comments after each of the self-congratulatory clips ("next: Oscar's salute to montages!").
Astonishing. Two "Brokeback" jokes within the first five minutes. Whoopie Goldberg, classy as always. Letterman phoning it in. It's going to be a long night.
Charlize Theron is not amused. But she looks fantastic.
First Cheney-hunting joke at 10 minutes after. Somebody owes me a dollar.
Wow... 13 minutes in and we already get an extended gay cowboy bit. Trying to get it out of the way early? Here's hoping...
Clooney wins Best Supporting Actor for the incomprehensible "Syriana." Self-deprecation is good. Moral preening, less so. But the speech was short and nostalgic for the good old days of the blacklist.
Tom Hanks getting bludgeoned and subdued by the orchestra? Now that's funny.
Ben Stiller in a green suit? Eh... Not so funny.
"Wallace and Gromit" win! Delightful! And most likely the Academy's bone to the family values crowd this year. Ah, well. Take it any way you can get it, folks. It's all terrorism and transgression from here on out... (But what a tough break for Tim Burton and "Corpse Bride," which was terrific. The choice was a real toss-up, I'm sure, for Academy voters.)
How much, I wonder, did Owen Wilson have to bribe/threaten/blackmail his brother Luke to get him to introduce "Chicken Little" and "Abby Mallard"? Just curious...
Cute "Chicken Little" bit. Better than much of the movie.
Russell Crowe is introduced with music from "Gladiator" and refrains from assaulting the conductor. He's clearly making progress. But as for the biopic montage... movies generally do a poor job of imitating real life. That's why Hollywood shouldn't take itself so seriously. (Incidentally, I couldn't help but notice that David Helfgott/Geoffrey Rush was missing from the group. Didn't Rush win best actor for "Shine"? A great performance with little or no semblance with reality...)
I'm going to make a prediction, and you can mark my words: Will Farrell is the next Bill Murray. And Steve Carrell is the next Chevy Chase. Except funny.
Rachel Wiesz takes the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Interesting. Haven't seen "Constant Gardner" and I don't plan to. LeCarre is a schnook and his stories do not interest me in the least. But perhaps this isn't Brokeback's night, after all? Michelle Williams was possibly the best thing about "Brokeback Mountain" -- a decent, devoted, loving woman who was cruelly betrayed. Hard to believe she made her bones on "Dawson's Creek." Her day will come.
"Judi Dench took my eye out in a barfight." Brilliant. Best bit of the evening, so far.
The penguins beat the smartest guys in the room. Good.
Jennifer Lopez is so...er, well-covered, I almost didn't recognize her.
"If you're trying to escape a burning car, don't do it in slow-motion." Excellent advice from Jon Stewart. And almost funny. Poor Stewart. He would have been better off joining Crystal and Rock in the tent.
Okay, maybe I was unduly harsh just then. Stewart's quip following the montage of Hollywood's "provocative" and "socially conscious" films struck the right note at the right time: "And none of those issues was ever a problem again." Now let us have no more of your gasbaggery! Good night, and good luck.
What's that... another hour and 15 to go? (I will never again give up booze for Lent. Never, ever.)
Oh... no. President Sid is explaining how "state of the art technology may change, but state of the heart storytelling will never change." God forgive me, I'm getting a drink now. Where's the guy with the clarinet blowgun when we need him?
That's all I've got.
What kind of soul am I? Hmmm. I suspect some of my Brother Monkeys will get a good chuckle from this...
| You Are a Prophet Soul |
 Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people. Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run. No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way. You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle. Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings. A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning. You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul |
Well, "parallels," actually. See, at work I have just been officially nominated for promotion to a position that could easily be described as the new drummer for Spinal Tap. Or you could say I've just been officially nominated for the position of Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor at Hogwarts.
What other cultural or historical references can you think of that would parallel these honors, that would warrant RobbL's response, "Congratulations – and I'm sorry"?