Infinite Monkeys
"...a sparkly blog..." - James Lileks"Read them only with extreme caution."- Hugh Hewitt
Infinite MonkeysIn Visalia, California (home of nothing and nobody) for a court appearance tomorrow, I made my traditional pilgrammage to the Double LL Steakhouse for their 36 ounce artery clogging, heart-stopping rib-eye. Normally it is very good. More often than not, it is great. Tonight it was a religious experience.
There is a God, and tonight he was in Visalia.
Peace out.
What widgets are you using? (Geek points for even knowing what I'm talking about.)
If Fox News ever had any intention of being viewed as anything other than a Republican mouthpiece, it can't be good news that Tony Snow is the the new White House Press Secretary.
Liberals, start your engines.
Pamela Anderson represents for the chimps in the Wall Street Journal.
Wait, that can't be right.
No, it is. The four horsemen can't be far behind.
If the Onion wrote a tech journal, it might compose a story like this one.
Stand and deliver!
Okay, celebrity dead poolers, looks like Ms. Ex-Burton is ready for her close-up. Wouldn't it be sweet if she and Martin Landau could pass the threshold together, in each other's arms?
Hat tip: Rhino Brian
1. I still hate Las Vegas
2. I still hate "expo" or "showcase" events
3. I will drink Sam Adams, but only if it's free
4. Lots and lots of Sam Adams
5. Penn & Teller kick ass
6. The fact that retroactive taxation is neither fair nor constitutional won't stop the government from engaging in it
7. The Stage Deli has the best pastrami East of Orange County (where The Hat still reigns supreme)
By way of Reason comes this completely bizarre tale of Bruce Lee's posthumous career as world peace ambassador to Bosnia. The stage is set:
The kung fu movie star Bruce Lee would have turned 65 in November, and a two-ring media circus descended on Mostar, Bosnia, for his birthday. It was then, in this mortar- and bullet-pocked city once famous for its Ottoman bridge, that the world’s first public monument to Lee was unveiled. Building civil society never seemed so weird: Here was a life-sized bronze statue of a topless American immigrant paid for by the German government and christened by a Chinese diplomat, erected at the behest of a dysfunctional community of Croats, Serbs, and Muslims.
But, as the reader soon discovers, you -- and by "you," in this instance, I mean the villagers of Mostar -- can't have nice things.
(Hat tip: Wretchard)
"An uncompromising vision of snack time." As the monster says, that's good enough for me.
Another Alien-infested infant is born.
From The Mirror (UK):
Mission Impossible star Cruise vows to eat placenta after birth
By Patrick Mulchrone
TOM Cruise yesterday revealed his latest bizarre mission..to eat his new baby's placenta.
Cruise vowed he would tuck in straight after girlfriend Katie Holmes gives birth, saying he thought it would be "very nutritious".
Oh god these people are sick F**kers. Jesus!
The Mission Impossible star, 43, said: "I'm gonna eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." It is the latest in a series of increasingly strange outbursts from Cruise in the run-up to the birth.
You know, I think he's insane. Really, I do.
The cult - founded by the late sci-fi writer L Ron Hubbard - claims that 75 million years ago aliens came to earth and their spirits now infest our bodies.
Oh. I did not know that. It's all clear to me now.
Hat tip: Tim Graham at NRO.
Cutting edge brain science and the Tour de France all wrapped up in one IMAX experience. Required viewing for snarky Monkeys.
In case you didn't see Andy Samberg and Bill Hader's digital short on SNL:
In the future, there was a nuclear war.And because of all the radiation,
cats developed the ability to shoot lasers out of their mouths.Some will use the cats for good, others for evil.
Who will win in a world of...
Damn.
I saw this on Fraters and followed the link. So some chick got engaged? They've never mentioned her blog before, that I know of. So what's the deal.
Then I saw this!
SONOFABITCH!!!
Congrats, "Saint"!!!
It's been a long time since I've had the early morning urge to just check and see if the world has suffered some great calamity while I was asleep. This morning seemed quiet. Too quiet. Time to pull up Google News and scan the top stories. Hmmm. The world is in the same nuclear oil mosque attack turmoil it was in yesterday. The U.S. news sounds an "all quiet" with headlines about a sextuplets hoax, pirated software on sale in one of the 'stans, and Molly the cat is freed from inside a wall in Greenwich Village. "She was only one foot tall, but there was survival in her eyes."
So, all is well.
But the Sci/Tech section featured this headline: Boot Camp, Mac cultists, and Windows salvation. How can anyone resist copy like that? It lead to a semi-smackdown of an article, fun to read, and good to have read. But one thing keeps bothering me.
I've gone to Marine Corps boot camp. Normally , when I see or hear the words "boot camp" I think of basic training; you know, what everybody else thinks of. It's taken me a little while to figure out why, when I see Boot Camp spelled with capital letters, I think of something completely different. Yes, it's a new feature that allows the new Intel-chip-based Mmacs to restart and run Windows XP. But around Phoenix, AZ , Boot Camp is a bar. In a gay section of town. With a HUGE sign.
I Googled "boot.camp phoenix bar." The first hit was an interesting discussion thread on the Mac/Windows app (specifically, whether it voids your warranty). But the second hit was hosted on a site called Gayapolis. (Why the middle vowel is A, rather than O, I don't understand.) The fifth hit is a surprisingly lengthy (no pun intended) list of gay bars that have come and gone (again, no pun...) through Phoenix's history. It's a humorous read.
So, there you have it. I have come out about my discomfort with the name of a utility for using hardware to cross platforms. And you know that Molly the cat is safe.
It's a quiet day
And the sun has charred
The other side of
The world and come
Back to us
With Easter approaching, I'd once again like to share a happy and heart warming little Easter story from my childhood.
Many, many, many years ago, when I was about 5 or 6 years old, I was shipped off to "camp" for the Easter week holiday.
Easter Sunday.
It was a beautiful Easter Sunday morning. About 9:00 am. A couple of the camp counselors (who were probably all of 20 years old themselves) took a bunch of the little kids (all under 7 years old) on a hike in the hills. (It actually was uphill and downhill, so it qualifies as a "hike", not a "walk.")
While on this pleasant Easter Morning hike, one of the counselors stepped on a baby bunny. Yep, stepped on a bunny. On Easter Sunday. With a hiking boot.
Well, the poor crushed baby bunny was carried back to camp, where the counselors tried to save him (probably by staring intently at the bunny while he slowly died a painful, agonizing death), surrounded by a mob of crying and screaming five year olds, convinced that this Easter Sunday Morning bunny was The Easter Bunny and that he was going to die.
Well, he did. The Bunny died. Right before our very eyes. On Easter Sunday, this group of little kids witnessed the violent, bloddy, tragic, horrible demise of the Easter Bunny.
The funeral was spectacular. An empty milk carton served as the coffin for the now Dead Easter Bunny. I had the honor of painting a cross on a flat rock on the side of a hill to mark the final resting place of the Easter Bunny. (It was a private camp, so there were no separation of church and state issues)
Rest Well, Oh Easter Bunny. You died well and honorably.
So there you go. The Easter Bunny is dead. I know. I was there. I saw him expire.
So Happy Easter kids!
Mr. Praline: I wish to complain about this Bunny what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Easter Bunny...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Easter Bunny when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bunny, the Easter Bunny, idn'it, ay? Beautiful ears!
Mr. Praline: The ears don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Easter Bunny! I've got a lovely fresh carrot for you if you
show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO BUNNY!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Easter Bunny out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead bunny.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! The Easter Bunny stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That bunny is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hourago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged hop.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Easter Bunny prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable biunny id'nit, squire? Lovely ears!
Mr. Praline: 'This bunny is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the cage 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-BUNNY!!
I'm not a big baseball fan, but you have to love some of the minor league promotions. Years ago Sacramento had a minor league team (Steelheads, I believe) that sponsored a dead fish toss contest between innings. Naturally the PETA-types protested.
This season the St. Paul (Minnesota) Saints, in addition to a Bill Murray bobblehead give-away night (he's co-owner of the Saints) is honoring the 30th Anniversary of the TV "classic" The Love Boat:
May 27 Love Boat Anniversary Party. This celebration of the 30th anniversary of the TV show includes a giveaway to the first 2500 fans. The unique color scheme of the “Minnetonka Queen” may remind fans of another well-known Twin Cities area vessel that has been in the news.
The "Love Boat" in question here, the Minnetonka Queen, was the infamous cruise boat upon which several Minnesota Vikings allegedly engaged in various and asundry sexually explicit acts, both welcome and unwelcome.
I wonder if the toy "Minnetonka Queen" comes with toy hookers?
You'll never see these kind of promos by the tour de france, that's for sure!
I've said it before: the South Park guys should be running the country. It is the most brilliant, honest, subversive show on television. If you missed the recent two-parter "Cartoon Wars," be sure to catch the reruns. Exposing the hypocrisy of the rules of how you can portray Jesus and Mohammed is getting all the attention, but the depiction of the press conference with President Bush was my favorite part. If only it were more of an exaggeration of how the press corps behaves...
An interesting week, so far. Not only has Newt realized the ongoing US occupation of Iraq is a mistake, but two more recently-retired generals have written articles calling for the termination (in the HR sense of the word) of Donald Rumsfeld.
First, we've got recently retired Marine Lt. General Greg Newbold, who delivers a harsh criticism of the Secretary of Defense, and the execution of the war all-around.
Next up, Army Major General John Batiste (also recently retired) adds his name to the list, which also includes Army Major General Paul Eaton, Marine General Anthony Zinni, and Army Major General John Riggs.
Perhaps it's time for some enterprising young journalist to register generalsagainstbush.com or generalsagainstrumsfeld.com to keep a running tally of recently retired military generals who believe the civilian leaders of this military are incompetent.
Everyone knows Tom Cruise is a weird f**ker, right? And Scientologists are all weird f**kers too?
Okay. Then this won't sound so weird (From Acess Hollywood):
Tom and Katie are likely to follow the church's "silent birth" guidelines during delivery [of their spawn], which means no music and no talking during the birth, which also means no screaming during the pains of labor for the mom-to-be.
Really? No screams of pain? How goddamned brainwashed do you have to be to tell your wife to shut the f**k up while she's birthing a baby?
The doctrine also states that newborns cannot be poked or prodded for medical tests or even spoken to for the first seven days of their lives, believing that babies go through so much pain during the birth, they shouldn't have to experience any further discomfort or sensory experience that could return later in life to haunt them.
Well at least the kid will have some peace and quiet for awhile before he/she has to spend the next 18 years listening the the inane babble of these two losers. Sad.
I tell you, this Scientology cult is just messed up.
This Newt gets close to the truth.
Yes, staying around was certainly a mistake. Not quite as big as going there in the first place. But Newt seems to have taken to heart the adage, "When you've found yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."
When I was growing up, Sunday was a day when, among other things, we were frequently reminded by our pastor what a blessing it was to live in a free country. Thankfully, my current pastor either is not so deluded or does not feel particularly compelled to ask his congregation to share in that delusion.
In the spirit of my youthful sabbatarian tendency to reflect on this subject, however, I point you to a recent column by conservative-turned-libertarian curmudgeon Joe Sobran. It includes several interesting metaphorical reflections on our so-called "freedom" and the two party system it stagnates in, including this gem: "But isn’t this in the nature of a two-party system when both parties have already failed to give satisfaction? When you’re tired of dysentery, does that mean you should prefer to go back to the nausea that preceded it?"
It won't go into effect full-swing until early June. At that time I'll also go from a pay scale akin to Dobby's all the way up to something resembling Stan Shunpike's. Another downside is that I'll have to do Snape's job and the Headmaster's concurrently next year. Ah, private Christian education!
Did I mention that donations are tax-deductible? We even take PayPal. Email Monkeys "at" InfiniteMonkeysBlog.com to throw a few galleons, sickles, or knuts the school's way.
P. S. Know any good high school literature teachers in Phoenix's east valley?
How much of yourself do you see in this interesting article? The first (real) paragraph reads like one of those ubiquitous blog quizzes. But it doesn't spit out immediate html feedback. No, after flashes of realization while reading, the text of that self-assessment will form slowly throughout out the next day or so.
Hat tip to Scrubbles, particularly for the post title.
Perverts in power. Hat tip: James Taranto
Boy, the news just gets better and better for the executive branch.
Does anybody out there have a spouse or S.O. who, when the DSL or cable modem goes down, acts like it's your fault somehow? Like you've blocked their goal personally and maliciously? Like you woke up this morning, waited for exactly the right moment, and then brought the Internet to its knees?
Oh, no, mine's not like that. Perish the thought. I'm just asking for a friend.
Let me start out by saying that I have limited experience with Tucker Carlson. When I saw the famous Jon Stewart on Crossfire clip, I thought he came off as a typical partisan blowhard.
Since then, I've only stumbled across him once or twice. Most recently, I stopped on his MSNBC show, "The Situation" - not because of Carlson, but because his guest was our much-beloved radio shock jock hawking his new book.
When I read one of his previous tomes, I was very disappointed by Hugh's apparent "party over principle" attitude. But nowhere was this perspective on display in its full absurdity like it was last Thursday night on Carlson's show. Here's the transcript of his appearance.
The most troubling quote? When Hewitt lists his criteria for being recognized as a participant in his fairly gigantic Republican tent. I've excerpted the conversation here (the ellipses are all my edits):
CARLSON: . . .But it does seem like the Republicans time and again, at least to me, have sold out their own views, their own values, their own beliefs. Whatever happened to small government and eliminating federal agencies? All that talk we heard in 1994, not so long ago, unimaginable now. They don‘t talk about getting rid of anything. . . . I—you know, I don‘t agree with the war in Iraq at all. I think it‘s bad for America.So, entering the Republican tent has nothing to do with desiring smaller, constitutional government. Nothing to do with respecting liberty, free markets, opposing pork, getting the government out of your personal life, or anything that Barry Goldwater or Ronald Reagan used to stand up and fight for. It's about supporting George W. Bush whether he's right or wrong. Never mind that there are principled, conservative reasons for opposing almost every one of Hewitt's criteria (only the supreme court justice placements appear to be unassailably conservative - and remember Hewitt continues to say the Republicans should have supported the thoroughly unqualified Harriet Meirs).. . .
You make an interesting point in your book about the big tent theory. . . . What does it mean to be a Republican, and should they boot out people who don‘t fit that description? . . . So what are the parameters, though, of that tent? I mean, what—define for me quickly and succinctly what it means to be a Republican, because I‘m losing track.
HEWITT: You‘ve got to be right on at least one of the big issues. The first big issue was the decision to invade Afghanistan, the second the decision to invade Iraq. A third big issue would be the confirmation of Chief Justice Roberts and the confirmation of Justice Alito. Those, and then finally, the reelection of the president. Those are four.
. . .
CARLSON: Interesting. I strongly disagree with you, but I don‘t think I‘ve ever heard your point of view articulated as well as you just did. And so I appreciate your explaining it. Hugh Hewitt, thanks very much.
I'm sorry, Hugh, but Partisan IS a dirty word. It means you've sold out what you believe to win elections, imagining that you've chosen the lesser of two evils. Well, congratulations. The Republicans are now indistinguishable from the Democrats of the 60's, and the Democrats have become complete wacko leftists in response. Worse yet, the Republicans are on the verge of losing their majority to those very leftists. Mission accomplished.
If you hurt your back riding a bike, are you too old to be riding a bike?
In a crazed rant justifying the practice of female genital mutilation, Dr. Muhammad Wahdan (honestly, the Dr. should be in scare quotes), admits
I have no relation to reality.
No shit.
I did not know I lived in occupied territories!
Of course, to their credit, the "Mexica-Movement" does not pretend to be anything other than a rabid, hateful, anti-American organization:
One of the more negative parts of the march was when American flags were passed out to make sure the marchers were looked on as part of "America".
But fortunately
Our signs helped to counter the American flags. Our people expressed their agreement with our message.
Yes, Mr. Bush, these protests were all about guest worker programs and jobs that Americans will not do.
The "Mexica-Movement" website's nonviolence disclaimers ring hollow, as do their attempted disassociation from the more openly radical MeCha and Aztlan movements. M-M seems to be nothing other than more of the same, but maybe with a smiley face. Their site is a fever swamp of racist hate and ignorance and the kind of swill tha does not lead to peaceful solutions. They generally lead to final solutions.
Hat tip: Little Green Footballs.
Springtime is on my mind
Flowers blooming, all the time
Smell the roses
Smell the grass
Old man winter can kiss my ass...
No less than the distinguished journal Nature published an article recently that concluded "Wikipedia comes close to Britannica in terms of the accuracy of its science entries." That's amazing! So Britannica is just as bad as Wikipedia, then. Thought so. What, if anything, could possibly top Wikipedia for information of dubious provenance?
No, no... not CNN. And not Colonel Slanders.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Teeveepedia!